Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
I think my moral compass just broke
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
