I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
Randomize
