my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
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