you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
Confirm your location. A cross street is best, but if google mapping yourself is your least-shameful option go for it. ps- going through his mail for an actual address is always an option.
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
Ladies don't puke and tell
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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