he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Randomize
