yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize