I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
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