I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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