battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
Randomize
