I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Randomize
