you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
Randomize
