Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Randomize
