I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
