I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
