Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
I'm more concerned as to why he has a playlist entitled Dem Club Beats.
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
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