a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
