I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
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