There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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