everyone is single if you try hard enough
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
