you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
We need to get me chipped asap
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize