saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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