They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
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