She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
