your parents love me but you hate me
I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
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