do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
she told me i tasted like america
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
