Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
I would say the hottest chick there looked like Susan Boyle and the ugliest like Bea Arthur
Nice use of current day folklore
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Randomize
