First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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