Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Randomize
