i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Randomize
