I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
Randomize
