i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
Randomize
