I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
i think i just lost a toe
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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