one word: firstdatebathroomanal
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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