i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
Randomize
