im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Jake was my 1st thought but I seriously thought u already did him... & then there's the getting the clap story... so I settled on Ben for my guess.
I have done Jake, not Ben. But this was fresh meat. And P.S. it was ghonnerea.
Ahh, yes. It's apparently too early in the morning to keep your partners and their std's straight.
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
Randomize
