I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
Girls gone wild is like the hills, except sexy and it doesnt suck
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Randomize
