I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
My bed smells like the plague
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