We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
Randomize
