capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
