final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
