I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
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