Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
Randomize
