His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
I'm passing your future prison.
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
Randomize
