I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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