FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Randomize
