haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
Randomize
