I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
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