If you die in college, do you die in real life?
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
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