Text. Mid BJ. 8 points.
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Randomize
