Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Randomize
