I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
Randomize
