Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
so thats when we found her crawling hands and knees up first street singing hold me closer tony danza as loud as she could
did she say where she was going
apparently she thought she was on morton hill and was trying to go back to the bars
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
