have you ever wondered what it would feel like to stick those coneheads in your vaj
omg every time its on
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
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