just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Randomize
