You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
Randomize
