They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Randomize
