can we get nightvision for the apartment?
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
